Pointed, Colorful and Painful….Peaceful Love.

Pointed, Colorful and Painful…………Peaceful.

I am sure we have all loved one, all known one. Find some humor in it and your likely to survive it. Every family has a nut.

We say things like bless their heart, or they just don’t have a clue. But I think some do, they might just be selfish, self-centered and mean. Some people are you know. Its a hard fact, but a fact.

Someone come to mine? No matter what you ever tried to do you were never good enough? Yep. Their out there.

As a child I was a misfit, fat girl, confused, didn’t fit in, unwanted, unloved, underfoot, in the way, not good enough child.

Any time I wanted something I was considered selfish and needy, never excepted and never any better than my last chore, no matter how perfect I tried to do the chore, it was never good enough.

Needless to say I was a lost child, confused and raised by people who maybe should of had parenting classes. Parenting can make you nuts, its a choice, however whatever the child becomes as a result could be a parents responsibility to a point, yet who else would treat children like that. Unless they were mean or nutty.

My parents believed we were slaves as children, to be yelled at, not talked to, told how stupid we were and not taught, unmannered, un-refined, or educated.

I spent most of my life working toward escaping. My day dreams were about leaving my family as a young child. Couldn’t wait to get away from our crazy house.

I tried to give them grace, her mother wasn’t crazy, her sister, brother, and other relatives weren’t crazy, what happened to her? Not sure but for sure, she rocked everyone’s boat, her parents tried, rescued me for sure, no other reason than she wanted to, wanted to be that way, wanted to hate, wanted to lie, wanted to hurt.

She just made bad choices. Did crazy things. In my research I could find no evidence of anything other than her troubles were of her own making.

I am not of the belief that hurting people hurt people, even if a guy like John Maxwell says so. I Believe that as humans we make choices, and our past does not justify our future right to do wrong.

However, even escaping was not at cure for their up bringing. I spent years making some of the same mistakes in some ways, while trying to correct and reconcile my own childhood in my own head.

The problem for the me the child was I excepted the expectations and took on the identity of who and what I was told I was.

I was told I was Fat. So I remained fat.

I was told I was stupid so I didn’t read.

I was told I was lazy so I didn’t get enough exercise. You get the picture.

Children want to me loved by their parents more than anything in the world, even bad parents.

We believe our value is determined by their love, or lack of love.

Identity is being established in every word and action of everyone we interact with over our life, good or bad. Every action will create a reaction.

It took educating myself, becoming social, and finding out that a person who brings darkness into your life, should not have a place in it. No guilt, just good self care. Forgive for you, but think twice before going back into the cage, if the cage has been cleaned, maybe, with caution and certainly take a safe person with you.

Why would we want to keep dark people in our life?

Because they are our parents? Because they are family? Think about this, it is not a biblical requirement, in fact scripture says forgive, but don’t forget, so you can protect your future from the past. Believing we must be with family that is abusive is a manipulation of an abusive, Grade A, Number 1, certified nut case usually with a control complex, and if you stick up for yourself they disown you! I say good for you enjoy your freedom.

And if they weren’t a relative you would just walk away.

So why is it so hard to walk away?

Because it’s where you find your identity.

Just as a dog returns to its vomit, we stay with what we know, new things are scary. So the question comes is vomit good enough for me?

No.

When I think of all the antics, and manipulations that were intended to intimidate me from telling the family secrets, and un necessary suffering many go though still today, I truly get angry.

Its the Information Age and nothing has changed. Just the devices.

Change who you are.

Find out your true identity.

Think things all the way threw before you react. How will this effect the next person I come into contact with.

Or how about a new Identity. That’s what I did years ago.

I decided after living in the world a few years not everyone lived like we had to live at our house as a child. I was grown up now I get to chose how and where I live, change don’t happen instantly, it changes an action and a day at a time.

So I changed how I lived with my own children, I am sure they would tell you I wasn’t perfect, and that is okay, progress, not perfection.

And hopefully they do the same and so on and so forth. But I was interested in my children, I asked questions. Started conversations, wanted to hear their opinions, not perfectly but I tried.

I was raised in church, by people who did not attend church. So I had to come to my own conclusion about what it all met. Many times it didn’t mean anything because my people didn’t live that way, and asking questions might get you a good spanking.

There was no concordance, just an adult telling me how good, or how bad I was according to what I was learning and weather I was following or failing the rules of religion. Religion and chaos don’t mix well in child Developement.

Number 1, Grade A , Certified Nut! That is the religious Nut who pushes a child around with guilt. With a law and without Grace…opps, guess they didn’t read that part. I figured it out, the part that causes parental guilt is not in the Bible. Not even the love your parents part, bottom line, love but don’t trust everyone.

A child who is not excepted for who he or she is right here right now. “As perfectly perfect” just the way they are. I wasn’t allowed to watch mister Rogers as a child but I did as an adult with my own kids. I learned a lot from that kind man. I Still enjoy the reruns.

That attitude keeps a child reaching for what they will be some day, and then someday they will be loved.

Someday they will be enough, big enough, pretty enough, strong enough, rich enough, someday never comes.

Today I am sealed in the knowledge of who I am in Jesus Christ, It is not a human knowledge, humans can be extremely judge mental and disappointing.

It is a the most Un-Human identity in the universe.

1 John 5:5 says: Who is it that overcomes the world except those who believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God.

So I chose to believe God, and no I do not respect anyone who brings darkness into the world of another human being.

(Side note: we need to forgive, for ourselves and because we are commanded to, however we never are told in the scriptures that we have to or should forget. Our history has the ability to protect us from our past. And keep us safe now and in the future.)

Yes, I forgive my parents, but they didn’t change last I knew. I used to go back there. Now I don’t, in over 45 years I cant remember ever getting a call from my mother. Do I have love for them? Sure. But I have love for you. Everyone.

I used to call and run up my phone bill and get my monthly emotional hammering. But I wasn’t worth the price of a call ever. Actions speak louder than words. Always. One time a friend stopped in and said why do you call if it makes you feel like this? I stopped calling. Best thing I ever did. I wrote angry letters to, but she never wrote back, “rightfully so”. Today I would not answer such a letter. But I didn’t know how to make her hear me. Self centered people never hear who they are abusing until they realize it themselves, then maybe they start mending fences, or maybe not.

When I went home, I would cry all the way home. And one day I said, if they want to see me they will come. The road runs both ways. No one came. I didn’t need to put myself through the abuse I received. And peace continues to prevail.

Are you loving someone more than they ever loved you? No matter how hard you try they cant wait to throw a Daigger at you.

Darlin it ain’t love! Run for your life.

I have a perfect Father.

This is who I am because of his love for me. I am blessed for knowing his son, chosen, which means I am wanted, redeemed, sealed by the Holy Spirit, adopted into his family, created, designed, loved and forgiven. He keeps no secrets from me, and reveals himself in my heart with grace and love.

I am a child of God. it’s enough.

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