Search Me, Find the Fault in Me Psalm 139:23-24 (NKJV)

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Guilt is an undeserved injustice for the children of selfish parents. Over the years of my life I have often struggled with the commandments of my God, one in particular: Honor your father and your mother.

God does not say forever, always, in all situations, until you are of age, only if they honor you, if they throw you away, leave you in a ditch, speak lies against you to in an attempt to cover up there own misdeeds, abuse you, emotionally taunt you, deceive your children and speak lie against you, or say you are dead to them.

I think I have personally experienced everyone of these actions from the biological human species called my parents, so now what?

I am convinced that I am only responsible for my own actions.

For years I have tried to go home and be a member of a family that did not want me. My mother spent most of her life looking for the next man in her life with total and reckless disregard for her children, and once her children found courage to have a voice about her choices, no matter how respectfully taken up, they were thrown out of the house and the new man was moved in.

My father was absent, and always used the proclamation that it was my mothers fault, yet I spent several nights a week with my grandparents only 3 miles away, (grandma liked my father and would have welcomed him) yet he did not find his way down the hill.

The road only ran one way all the years I tried to work it out, to honor the parents that did not want me. When I stopped making the investment in the days of long distance telephoning, my phone was silent on the other end, when I stopped taking the time to travel to their state to visit, the visits stopped. When I heard a lie, and rebuked their words as their reality and not mine emotionally or otherwise, I no longer existed, then what?

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“See if there by any grievous way in me.” When I think that all the way through I know that today I hold no malice toward either of these biological humans that allowed me to be born.

Today i say to the choirmaster: God!

Thank you for searching me and knowing me, the world does not, my biological parents do not. Thank you for standing at all sides and hemming me into your comfortable safety, and surrounding me from the harm of others and the world itself. Thank you for laying your hand on me, such knowledge is too wonderful for me: it is so high; I cannot attain it.

Thank you for never leaving me, you are where I go in this world be it in the sky, on the sea, even there your hand shall lead me. Your right hand shall hold me. Even in darkness my world is light because you are with me always!

You knitted me together in the womb of a simple woman who did not understand the value of me the gift. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret because of their evil deeds and lust, I was intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance and your saw me worthy to finish the task. How precious your thoughts, how vast the sum of my value to you. Your thoughts of love for me is as many as the sand. I am with you.

“Do I not loathe those who rise up against you Lord? I hate them with complete hatred: I count them my enemies.” Psalm 139:22

Thank you God that I need to do nothing, take no retaliation, you have handled it all on my behalf. You are a just and loving God! Your graciousness allows me to live in peace, putting my confidence in you, rightfully so.

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