Being alone is never easy, and yet how do we proceed two by two? Our great command, to love one another.
As I think about this week coming up it will be the 22 years since my sister committed suicide and not a day goes by that I do not wonder if there was something that i could have said, or done to change her final decision, the decision she made concerning a temporary problems of this world, ever-changing problems, day by day.
On the day my sister stepped onto the railroad tracks about a quarter-mile from a train and walked head on into it, I desperately looked for her, and my family did not, particularly one of my sisters did not take me seriously, I don’t think that was her fault however, I think that was her up bringing and influence she was raised not to love or care for anything that she was not told to love or care for, after all if you did not bow to the family dysfunction, agree with it, you could not be taken seriously, loved by the family, or accepted, you were not allowed to think for yourself, use your own mind, and most of all care for those who might not be thinking emotionally correctly, after all they are expecting nothing less from those family members, even if it was that the member of the family would take their own life! Those were the harsh words I heard after the fact, they expected nothing less. What kind of family is that? I to was a throw away child.
I did not understand, how they could, or why they would, be so obtuse that they would not even care about this life that was just lost, a tragic loss, this beautiful 22-year-old girl, big blue eyes, smile and sense of humor that kept me rolling, and when it all went wrong I knew first. I could not get anyone elses attention, they did not believe me and afterwords they justified their failure to listen, with we didn’t expect anything more than that from her, the indifference made me sick to my stomach, still does.
I cannot change the events of 22 years ago, she would be 44 now. I wonder if she would have had children, found a new love, and gotten married, not in that order, but you know what I mean.
I am left with the wandering of what could have been, if I could have convinced one of my family members to take my concern seriously.
If just one of them could have given my concern, that could have loved her a little bit, and looked for her, they were within a half an hour of her possible location, I was 557 miles away, they had seen her and talked to her in those last few hours, I was only asking them to see if she was alright, to verify that she was alright, nothing else.
I am sure they did love her in some strange way , but could not be bothered with the sister who had broken the chain of command and escaped the expectations of chaos and crazy.
You see, I had a call from her boss that day and she had not shown up for work at the sheriff’s office for three days and they were concerned, I went to her apartment and everything was packed and labeled, who she wanted to have what. She had done the sorting for me, she lived next door to me and it dawned on me suddenly that she had been making plans, Questions like, if I die would go make sure……. if something would happen would you please…………. hindsight came with a vengeance I was desparate, I just wanted to find her, I did not care if she would be mad, felt I was interfering, just that she was alright, it was important.
She had been in a relationship with a man with two little girls, she thought she would marry, and then after nearly a year of taking care of his children, she felt the fool when he went back to his wife, which he left again to become engaged to another woman that was neither his wife or herself, he married that woman, the day after her funeral, I have had to learn a lot about the grace of forgiveness, I guess for myself, because he has not put himself into my sites since her death. Smart man, best not to chance the untapped emotion in such a situation. I heard he took the day off for her funeral, he did not show up. Probably a blessing for us both. Karma is just that, she divorced him.
If you are feeling a lot of complacency in this story you are exactly right, my siblings and parents were complacent about making any effort to find their sister, their child, they had no concern for her, no concern for me, nothing was taken seriously, and on that day she stepped in front of a train and walked into it, I remember how it crushed me to hear how she did not die instantly, the excruciating pain I could imagine that wracked her body those last moments, and maybe even moments to ask God’s forgiveness for the choice of death, instead of fighting for this life until we naturally come to the next.
The engineer upon that train who could not in any way stop this train of millions of tons to save this young woman who put herself into harms way. Who may or may not have gotten this horrible image out of his mind, these many years later.
God allows for our final illness, with no doubt there are provisions in heaven for the mind that is lost to mental Illness.
Her bible was marked to the promise of salvation, her suicide letter said, “if heaven is so wonderful why would I want to stay here”? In answer to that:
Because God has left me here to comfort others with the fact he is sovereign and in control, present everywhere, I still am useful to him and have purpose, regardless of the lineage I possess and the earthly family I was given.
Because he uses even the worst situations for his good, I am his, Steadfast and true, before any one else I except the full Grace and comfort of God, through his Son Jesus Christ, there would be no peace or comfort without them.
I believe had she stayed she would have found the love she so desperately wanted and needed, love is not a force to be reckoned with.
Could I have changed her mind? I will never know. My, how I wish she would have had a cell phone maybe, just maybe she would have picked up.