Love me Love me Not

adorable beautiful blur child
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I think every person has a moment in time when all of a sudden, they knew what they thought they didn’t. When suddenly they know that another person is wrong, abusive, or just out of line, or out of alignment with your life goals and dreams, the person you looked at across the table for years, just became a demon, and nothing is forever the same.  When I child no longer justifies their abuser and knows what they are, the senses are keen and the feelings are raw. Knowing does not feel better.

I have known people like this, seemingly they are fun and spontaneous and suddenly every single character defect they have is glaring, suddenly they are not friends, family, strangers or urchins , they are a foreigner in your world, they shock you, reveal themselves in dishonest acts, infidelity, self justification, sexual abuse, and thievery just to cut you at the core of your soul, suddenly you world falls apart and we give up everything we loved about that person due their betrayal.

I think it does not matter if you are 12 or 112, the emotions in betrayal run deep, trust scorned, most of it is petty and not even remembered years later after time passes, yet so much time is lost until the task or deed is either forgiven or forgotten, time. Never Regained.

I know in families their roots of betrayal are within themselves, mother’s against daughters, Father’s against sons, sisters, brothers all of it, Abandonment, pain and hurt are a few of the least. I wonder if they ever think about that long lost loved one, or if they sit around and justify the decision of hate with some kind of grandiose dignity. If we ever saw them again would we be happy or strangers, would there be threats or tears.

Would the position of righteousness prevail or would the acceptance of time, healing, and forgiveness set in. Would there be fire? threats? fear? guns? roses? Until we are there we have no way to know.

I few years ago my biological mother told me that she did not ever want to see me again, even though I was shocked by this text, I did not respond for a couple of days, I mostly thought what the hell? However she gave me away more than once before, so why was I surprised? Because at 70 I thought she had matured, I was wrong. I sent her back a text and said I don’t understand, but I want you to be happy, and if this makes you happy I will respect your wishes.

It cut me to the core. I hurt desperately inside even though we really had not had a relationship for years, I would go see her a day, return to my state and not see, talk, write to her until the next time I could bring myself to cry all the way there and all the way home, that road only ran one way.

I was the only one who hoped I would be important enough to love someday, guess not. I finally had to face the fact that I was the only one in that relationship, it had always been that way. It was the first time I realized it.  So now not quite so raw at 57 what will I do if and when the call comes. That she is dead or dying? What will I do,  Will I go? Will I go for me, or will I not go for me?  I have forgiven her stupidity and self centered selfishness, I cannot make anyone more than they are. I wrote that letter a couple of years ago now. I guess she met it forever. I don’t expect anything.

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