Hurting Alone

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I think most of the people in the world had the core of their sole shifted with the death of actor Robin Williams, we knew him, our whole life. He was Mork, He was Patch, He was a dreamer, our laughter, tears, imagination, expression , and our heart.

Robin Williams seemingly had everything to those of us on the out side, but obviously everything in his world was much different.

Talented entertainers, Authors, Comedians, Artists and Performer’s look for a satisfaction in what they do, we cannot get that from others. however, we or maybe all people look for some kind of magical gratification from others, that somehow stamps our life with a seal that says what I am doing right here, and now matters, to someone or something is this world.

Yesterday, here at a conference in Phoenix a young women stood up and told us about her year, she had suffered illness, and the adversity that rocks the world of the person experiencing the chosen death of a loved one, who took their own life, leaving her and her children alone forever wondering, what they could of said or done differently. I will never ever get used to such a story, every time I  hear of a suicide it rocks me to my core.

In 1976 my stepfather took his own life in our playhouse in the family yard, I felt so guilty because I never cared for him, he was abusive, had large hands and hit me with a knuckle wrap on the top of my head every chance he got. He never talked to me, and when he did, it was not anything that should have ever said,  when I was aware of his presence I was hiding out. I wasn’t sad he died, I was relieved to know that he could not get me anymore.

In 1996 my sister did not show up to work, her supervisor called me multiple times over the next 3 days. I looked everywhere for her. I went to her apartment and walked away panicked everything she owned was packed and labeled to those it was bequeathed.

I called my siblings, grandmother, biological mother, everyone had seen her, they all said she was fine, and I was over reacting, nothing was wrong. You have been here about something in your life Right?  Finally after my fourth call my sister the psychologist, with a masters in teaching says why are you so worried about this, I said “I just need to know she is okay, now every conversation she and I had over the last year was coming together in my mind, I knew she was planning to kill herself and I couldn’t find her.  My sister promised when her baby daughter woke up from her nap, that she would go and look for her for me, however later she changed her mind and decided I was over reacting.

At 4 p.m. on July 22, 1996 my sister stepped out of her car, about a quarter mile from an oncoming train, the train was fast moving, and she stepped onto the tracks, walked toward the train, within a few feet, turned her back and ended her life, to this moment that event rocks me to the core every time I review it in my life, or hear of another person that I know is hurting from the death that was chosen.  There is absolutely nothing glamorous about this subject, however the reality faces someone, somewhere several times a day around the world.

I heard just lately that since families not practicing faith. eating meals together, and physical communication is reduced by technology, the suicide rate of family members is up 43% over ten years ago on a recent Christian radio station. Its time to get off the phone and get on with the emotional needs of being in touch. This disconnection of individuals is disturbing as I watch youth text each other, sitting on the couch. next to each other.

God does not expect those of us who have experienced such a tragedy to figure this out, their is no condemnation for the ill who took their own life, and I refuse to believe any religious dogma or practices that say there is punishment for the one with the last illness’ that rocked their loved ones world.

Even though we have heard of a case of a young girl taunting a boy into suicide that is a warped, off the wall event in recent news.

In the day to day world our life is too busy, no one ever woke up and wanted someone to end their life, no one wanted to say anything on purpose, they would knowingly regret later, and no one has the power through any action to cause anyone to do anything, the choice was a bad choice of someone else in a bad and unreasonable moment, and certainly had no plans to cause the lose of anyone through this heart breaking event.

Suicide is not glamorous and I will never allow my sister the martyrdom that maybe she needed somehow through her death to be noticed in our life. She is remembered, will always be loved, however her permanent solution to a temporary problem in life was a cowardly decision, that was distractive, destructive, selfish, and detrimental to the mental health of myself and others, and under no circumstance will it ever be acceptable, glamourous or understood by those left behind to deal with the aftermath.

We cannot diagnose our loved ones, we just love them, and as always when time passes more is revealed, for our growth and comfort. Not theirs, the last illness, mental or other wise is not punishable by God, to those who take their own lives. However those who take their own lives, forever leave us with an opinion of them, their choices, and mentality that we never would of had should they have chosen to live. And whatever your feelings if you have lived through this, it is your right and they earned your opinion of it.  Just heal you.

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